this is f*cked up
why do i care so much? why do i care so much if i know it’s not important? why do i care so much if i should care less? Why do i care so much if i know you guys are right and that i know better! I wanna stop trying..
friend: hi.
friend: here
friend: have this
friend: hug
jaymi cruz: As always, thanks For! >.<
friend: okay ka na?
jaymi cruz: Its just annoying. im going to hurl twaddles your way na coz you started.
friend: go
jaymi cruz: do i intimidate guys? do i present myself too high? am i not allowed to be a good friend to the opposite sex>
jaymi cruz: Must i always say YES to them? if i say no, is it fair to stop being friends?
jaymi cruz: Why cant i seem to be right?
jaymi cruz: its annoying me…
jaymi cruz: why am i always disappointed?
jaymi cruz: if i dont try too hard, then i dont get anything.
jaymi cruz: if i try too hard, i suffer, i fail…i get annoyed.
jaymi cruz: can i just feel indifferent? but then again i cant. because the more i pray i do, the more it dawns on me. that i create my own problems.
jaymi cruz: and so if i do, then to heck with all this!
jaymi cruz: but i cant stop thinking.
jaymi cruz: and i wont ever really mean, to heck with this.
jaymi cruz: because ill always care.
jaymi cruz: and ill always feel something
jaymi cruz: and ill always want to try hard.
jaymi cruz: and ill always wish that i dont want to try so hard.
jaymi cruz: that maybe THEY can try hard.
jaymi cruz: that maybe just for a while, i wont bother…and they would do something.
jaymi cruz: is it me?
jaymi cruz: is it the way i talk? the way i dress? the way i look at them?
jaymi cruz: the way i blabber constant ramblings?
jaymi cruz: do i pretty much shoo them away whatever i do?
jaymi cruz: am i that despicable of a person?
jaymi cruz: must i even talk about this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
friend: may I say something?
jaymi cruz: you may
friend: whoever the guy is, he must not have enough balls to handle you
jaymi cruz: what bugs me is…i cant seem to be fit being a friend to a boy.
friend: we’re friends
friend: arent’ we?
jaymi cruz: its like…they always need to be more than that..and if i dont feel that way, they go away.
jaymi cruz: Yeah were friends..
jaymi cruz: thats why youre different, thank God
jaymi cruz: but to others…
jaymi cruz: im so disappointed!
jaymi cruz: like there’s this guy Renz..he was my prom date
jaymi cruz: he was really making ligaw even before he met me.
jaymi cruz: kabatchmate niya brother ko so lagi niyang binubug.
jaymi cruz: then we became friends…then really close..
jaymi cruz: tas nung nanligaw siya…i really liked him but…not liked him enough to be his gf.
jaymi cruz: so i wanted to tell him that its better were friends coz were having so much fun
jaymi cruz: then after ilang months, nawala nalang.
jaymi cruz: kahit si diego..he was a good friend. but because hindi ko siya sinagot, wala na. i remember him promise that even after all, kahit mareject siya, he’d still talk to me and be the good friend that he is.
jaymi cruz: pero no.
jaymi cruz: like all other men, they left.
jaymi cruz: i dont want to try anymore.
friend: you should consider yourself lucky
friend: kasi isipin mo, KUNG sinagot mo, eh sila pala yung type na iiwanan ka
friend: ehdi poof
jaymi cruz: actually youre right. when i saw diego last time, tapos i saw his gf pa.. i had this relief inside me. so truckin happy i wasnt diego’s girl.
jaymi cruz: i know a lot about this girl expeditions.
jaymi cruz: *his
jaymi cruz: and i know those girls pa
jaymi cruz: and i just cant imagine if im one of them poor saps.
jaymi cruz: renz….he was a gentleman but an a-hole.
jaymi cruz: and right now he has a gf…na dati pa niyang kathing even during those ligaw times
jaymi cruz: other guys, they have gfs now..pero not the girls i knew then.
jaymi cruz: come to think of it, yes its a good thing i was spared..
jaymi cruz: but would this continue?
jaymi cruz: would i always try not being friends with them?
friend: the thing about chicks is
friend: you have to wait for the eggs to hatch
jaymi cruz: they got no balls, as expected. sigh
friend: wait for one with balls
friend: or to match my metaphor
friend: EGGS
jaymi cruz: that was boom nga pala.
jaymi cruz: applause!
friend: feel better?
jaymi cruz: well blabbering doesnt make things better but i feel like eating. so thats a good thing.
jaymi cruz: thanks
friend: you wouldn’t last if you were me
friend: the kind of rejection I experience is like woah!
jaymi cruz: why?
friend: hahaha
friend: ewan
friend: I got kicked out of a band
friend: I didn’t get scholarships
friend: my girlfriend replaced me once then took me back after the guy left
friend: I failed some subjects
friend: I’ve never one a raffle
friend: pick one
jaymi cruz: sorry
friend: no problemooo
jaymi cruz: Graaaa youre amazing!
friend: why is that?
jaymi cruz: Why would the world treat you like that when youre so cool like haagen daaz dulce de leche!
jaymi cruz: Yum..that reminds me.
friend: because
friend: haven’t you seen Toy Story?
friend: the world may appear to be unfair
friend: but it isn’t
friend: it’s fair
friend: for others, it’s great
friend: but never unfair
jaymi cruz: i dont think the world is unfair, actually.
jaymi cruz: i just say it but i never really believed what i say
jaymi cruz: why do i care so much if its not important?
jaymi cruz: why do i care so much if i know better?
jaymi cruz: youre right. people who prayed for me and told me advices are right. i know you guys are right!
friend: you don’t
jaymi cruz: but why do i care so much still?
friend: you don’t
jaymi cruz: i wish i could believe so
friend: you don’t care
jaymi cruz: why?
jaymi cruz: tell me i dont
friend: you don’t
jaymi cruz: why!!!!!
friend: because
friend: you are too awesome
jaymi cruz: you make me cry at your words.
friend: why?
jaymi cruz: why cant i believe so?!
jaymi cruz: why must i think otherwise/
jaymi cruz: why must i cryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
friend: we are our worst critics
jaymi cruz: im so emoooooooooo
friend: you’re crying now?
jaymi cruz: ….yes
friend: Jaymiiiii
jaymi cruz: coz while talking to you, my other friend offered to pray with me.
jaymi cruz: and when i pray, i blubber like a fool
friend: I don’t think we pray the same way
friend: but hell
friend: for you
jaymi cruz: it feels weird forest.
jaymi cruz: its a simple thing
jaymi cruz: so truckin insignificant
jaymi cruz: but im bothered so much
jaymi cruz: i feel stupid
jaymi cruz: what are these tears doing?!
friend: running down your face
jaymi cruz: even they want to go away..
————
its a shame. ill never speak of this again.
Special thanks to Friend.
xxx
2 years ago